I FORGOT!

The reason I started this blog was simply to have a way to vent about quitting smoking.

Yesterday was my smoke-free two year anniversary. I forgot to post about it. I forgot about it until this morning.

CONGRATULATIONS TO ME. YES YES YES. I DID IT.

And I still like the smell of cigarette smoke, so some of the cravings never go away, I guess.

And on a seperate note, good riddance to political ads!

Adios, 2010. Thanks for the upgrade.

I mentioned in a previous blog that I had, until recently, been living a pretty below-average life. I'm still not really ashamed of that. I still don't feel like I've wasted any time or that I've missed out on anything... It's just time to move onto something that is a bit more shiny than the past. It's taken years to admit that, because I refused to work on myself, I wasn't moving forward. I was actually moving backwards. The reason I say that is because I look at myself a decade ago, and I'm closer to that Chelsea than I am to the one I was two years ago. Which means (and I'm slightly hesitant to admit this) that I had a lot of things right to begin with. Alright, I'm more worldly, I'm more open to trying new things, I have a stronger vocabulary and a better sense of how to interact with people, but between the ages of 16 and 26, I've been a fool.

So, instead of spending any more time focusing on my foolishness, I would like to say that 2010 was the year that I began a huge overhaul. 2010=Upgrade. 

I don't know what the starting point was. It might have been when I got the love of my life, Annabel Lee in mid December 2009. I've always loved dogs, but I've never had any faith that I had the wherewithal to take care of one. I've always said that the best mother is the one who admits she isn't in any way ready to be a mother. Same with dog moms. But I fell in love with my mutt and had to have her, so quickly, the nights of crashing on couches after the bars came to a halt. I had to be home with my "child". I really believe, however, that the first sign of any real change was this summer when I switched out this terrible door in my kitchen to a beautiful window. Everything just started happening after that. 

Upgrade #1: When one door is removed, it is replaced with a magnificent window. 

GOODBYE, DOOR

(Let me quickly explain that this door leaked and the frame was rotting and it let cold air in in the winter.)

HELLO, WINDOW

Upgrade #2: Chrysler Sebring (Michael Scott car) to Ford Escape (PROGRESSive car). Anyone who knows me knows what happened here. My car flooded with me in it. It was declared a total loss not even 12 hours after it happened. At first, I was upset and I felt odd about the fact that one misstep and I could have been injured or worse, but it led to better things. Bad things often turn into good things. Somehow.

Yup. That happened.

Much better.

Upgrade #3: (perhaps the most important, thus far) Smoking to Smoke-Free. This subject I could go on and on about. I have numerous blog entries devoted to it, so read those instead. Let me say, two months in, I have no desire to go back and I have no idea why I didn't quit sooner. If you're considering quitting, stop telling yourself you're going to "try" to quit and just say "I'm quitting. I'm done." It works a lot better. My Dad always (sometimes annoyingly) told me, "Don't tell me what you're GOING to do, tell me what you've DONE."

Lose.

Win.

Upgrade #4: (perhaps the least important) Old stuff to new stuff. Yeah, I am a hand-me-down kind of person. I think I always will be. I think things have a lot more life in them than people give them credit for and, more importantly, I am extremely cheap. Frugal, rather. So, instead of having an ironing board, I had a kitchen counter. Check out the pizza pan I've carried around with me since I went to college and the new pretty clay one Nate and Steve lovingly bought for me. Also, the cookie sheet. These things are just things, I know, but they're supporting evidence of the fact that things are looking up. And of the fact that I have people in my life that are there to help me out while they go on their own journey.

So, friends and strangers, Happy New Year! May 2011 bring more upgrades to you or be the start of your own overhaul. The unpredictability of it all is that some things we ask for, some things we have no control over, and some things are given to us by loved ones. There's really no telling what tomorrow will bring, but what's happening now is leading to what's next. Happy upgrading!

Did I make it a month? I did.

My good friend told me the other day that you haven't officially quit until it's been one year. Okay. Well in that case, I'm 1/12 of the way there. But in my opinion, I have quit. I'm done. There's no need to go back at this point and I won't.

Before I started quitting, I had heard from a few people throughout my life that I'm very strong-willed. To be honest, I never held much stock in this opinion. I suppose I thought myself too lazy and careless to really stand up and DO something when I had wanted to, so I just let things slide and lived a below-average life. Yes, I said that.

There have been so many instances in my past where I have lied to myself and to others to hide that the reality of things has been somewhat bleak. I think that's a hard thing for anyone to avoid doing because for some reason, we're constantly in defense of our own actions, whether or not we know them to be good or bad.

Conclusion: I'm not going to try to make excuses for myself. I'm not going to blame anyone else for something that I have the will to change OR for a monster that I may have created in the first place. I will continue to purge myself of bad habits/bad people/things that I have no further use for in my life (i.e. I took four huge boxes of clothes to the Salvation Army the other day and, whoa, guess what? I don't miss them.)

I figured out in all of this that I AM lazy, but not in the way that I had previously thought. I'm lazy in the respect that I do not have the energy to deal with petty things and with things that only hold me back. So this is the first (large) step of many. If you ever find yourself stuck in a rut, my suggestion is to quit a bad habit. From my short experience in this, it opens so many doors and forces one to be honest with themselves. Progress is good and as I'm growing older, I'd like the benefit of growing up as well.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Since this blog is smoke-free themed, I figured I would mention my thankfulness for being able to quit here. Then I realized that previous entries have probably covered most of that. So I narrowed it down to something that stuck out in my mind this morning as I was getting ready.

I'm thankful that I like the smell of the perfume I had bought while I was a smoker. Considering I couldn't really smell it, I'm thankful that the money that I spent on said perfume was worth it. I'm thankful that I took a stab in the dark and landed on something good. Because, let's face it, you don't have even half of the  functionality of your sense of smell when you're muting it with burning tobacco.

And yes, I'm thankful for much more. In short, my family, my dog, my friends, my home, my job, my car, health, the invention of wine and beer, etc., etc. But again, the focus of this blog shall remain on the not smoking.

P.S. 18 days :)

17 days.

Hello!

Well. I've successfully not smoked a cigarette for 17 days. That is over two weeks. That can be rounded up to one month. It's certainly something that I didn't realize I would be capable of doing.

Being located in Iowa, it's nice to know (considering it's late November and the temperature is below freezing) that I don't have to retreat to the outdoors to puff down a cigarette. I don't have to concern myself with which corner I'll have to hide in this winter when the snows flying during my breaks. NOPE. I'll just stay toasty warm because I have no need whatsoever to go outside.

Okay, so the issue that remains the most difficult about all of this. My throat is still sore. I only feel like my lungs/throat are about 50% recooperated from the damaged condition that I'd thrown them into. I heard numerous times that it would take two weeks for this to clear up. WRONG! It's been over two weeks and the morning hacking continues. I suppose it's better. I don't know. I have noticed that my singing-in-the-car-on-my-commute capabilities have greatly improved.

Something I took notice to earlier today: my fingernails. They are currently two-toned. The top half and the white part that extends from my finger is actually yellow. YEAH. I had no idea. The bottom half is white-ish pink. Like nails are supposed to be. So, there continues to be little things that pop up randomly to remind me that I was clueless of what I was doing to myself until I totally walked away from it.

So I suppose I'm not totally in the clear, yet. I still chew a piece of gum from time to time when I've had a few drinks... Almost.

Seven days.

I know that I'm only seven days in. And I am aware that listening to someone talk non-stop about their new obsession (whatever it may be) has a tendency to get a bit tiresome.  That being said, this has been the best way I see fit to cope with the loss of something that had, unbeknownst to me, taken over my life. If you wish to quit reading, do so now. If you're a friend of mine and you wish for me to quit tirelessly rambling about this subject, please let me know. The blog will continue, but I'll try to remember that there were events that took place prior to my quitting smoking. Everyone has been nothing but supportive of me on this "journey" and I thank them.

Here's the good so far and the bad so far. One week in.

The Good:
-I smell good. My hair smells good. All the time. My car smells good. My coats/clothes smell good. My PHONE smells good. I didn't realize it, but before I quit, everything I owned (including things that you would think would not be permeable by a smell-a plastic cell phone should not retain a smell) smelled like smoke. The
-The cough is almost gone. The cough that I didn't even realize I had until I quit and realized that I wasn't coughing as much as usual. The throat's still sore, but I will get to that in "The Bad" section.
-I chewed one piece of gum all weekend.
-I don't feel like I'm imprisoned by cigarettes anymore. I know that is a totally cliche comparison, but I never realized how true it was until I could look back and admit to myself that I was confining myself to smoking. I no longer have to plan which gas station to swing by because they have the cheapest cigarettes. I never have to sacrifice doing something on my break at work because smoking will always take precedence. I don't have to find the ashtray outside of a restaurant after every meal out. The list goes on and on.
-I have more energy, therefore, I am more active.
-My taste buds are waking up. I have this picture in my mind of little cartoon taste buds that are stretching their arms and yawning happily. Seriously. That's what food tastes like to me. Like my taste buds are actually smiling and celebrating some sort of rebirth. (Yup. Judge if you want, that's how it feels.)
-I have probably, so far, saved around $50. So figure that out. $200 a month. $2,400 a year. Roughly. What the hell can I do with an extra $2,400? A lot.

The Bad:
-I enjoy food more. I eat more. Substantially more. Thankfully, I have more energy, so I am able to cancel this out.
-I am still having an issue with (again, sorry for the overshare) my lungs rejecting a lot of crap that they've held onto for five years. I don't know how to word this without being too descriptive, but it is one of the WORST drawbacks to quitting. If it were up to my throat, I bet it would guess that I hadn't quit smoking because it feels like it is in worse condition than before. However. I was able to wake up and go through a couple of hours this morning without noticing it. That was nice. I think it's beginning to recede. I hope it is. It's terrible.
-The gum is the most horrible thing on the face of the planet. Yes, it has it's place. And yes, it has helped me immensely. There are three terrible elements about the gum. One, it starts out tasting just like regular Trident then turns on you. Two, it numbs your mouth. It starts with your throat, then eventually works it's way to every corner of the rest of your mouth. (OH-side note. I thought the other day that I had accidentally swallowed a piece and ended up digging through my trash looking for it. I found it. This gum will instill fear in you.) Three, truth be told, it's probably just as addictive as cigarettes are. And nicotine itself is bad for you. So, sorry gum-makers. I think that you recommending 9-12 pieces a day to people trying to quit smoking is just as bad as Joe Camel being "targeted at children".
So there's a brief sampling of, one week into it, the things that have been altered in my life due to my earth-shattering decision to quit.

A brief history of my love affair with tobacco.

At 15, my father swore on my head (literally, he placed his hand on my forehead) that he would never smoke another cigarette. I remember being in tears, sitting at the foot of my parents' bed, not understanding why anyone would smoke a cigarette. Truth be told, at that point in my life, I understood the point of other drugs, but cigarettes did not make sense to me. I didn't grasp why they were so addictive considering that my impression of them was that they gave you no reasonable high. I was so concerned at that point for my parents' health and it was devastating knowing something so (as I thought at the time) simple to give up would lead to the demise of one or both of the people I love the most.

My dad still maintains that quitting was the hardest thing he's ever done, that he loved cigarettes, and if there were no downfalls to smoking, he would love to have another. Many more, I'm sure. He also keeps reminding me that it gets easier. By the way, he's been smoke-free for 11 years and so has my mother. (My mom maintains that it took her nothing to quit. I believe her. She's lucky.)

Anyway, I went through another six years not understanding cigarettes or what benefit one was granted by smoking them. I had many friends that smoked and a few boyfriends and I had no desire to pick up the habit. The funny thing was, I never cared if anyone else smoked. It wasn't a passionate cause of mine to stop people from smoking. It wasn't my business to tell people how to live their lives, nor was it my responsibility. Eventually, when I figured out how to sneak into bars before age of 21, I began smoking. At the time, I only smoked in a social setting (bar) while intoxicated. 

One thing led to another. I was in beauty school at the time and I felt I needed a getaway from time to time from the 100+ other students. Mostly women. This will be the only time I will ever justify my smoking habit. I NEEDED CIGARETTES IN BEAUTY SCHOOL. I'm won't go into extreme detail, but it was rough. Those who worked their way through it without some sort of crutch are to be nothing but commended. 

So here's the history of events so far. Stage one. Intolerant. Stage two. Tolerant. Stage three. Social smoker. Stage four. Daily smoker.

Do you have any idea as to what happens next? I'll skip a few stages and just give you a rundown of how, more recently, a day would go if I were smoking at max force that day.

In the car, three cigarettes. Before work occasionally, one cigarette. Break one, two, and three, cigarette(s). Walking to my car after work, cigarette. Drive home, three cigarettes. Have a glass of wine, cigarette(s). Drive to the store, cigarette(s). Eat breakfast on a lovely Saturday morning and sit on my patio afterwards to drink coffee, cigarette. Bar, outside to smoke cigarettes at least once an hour. Doing a friends hair, cigarette(s). I think I've made my point. 

And now we're on day five. I've called on my parents a lot lately for support. I've done things that I had forgotten that I was capable of doing without tobacco involved. I've drank, gone to a bar, gone on break, driven (multiple times), walked to my car after work. I've survived. I haven't lashed out on anyone yet. It's O.KAY. The biggest reason I don't want to start again is that I don't want to stop again. 

My senses of taste and smell have arrived home from a long vacation. I learned that I do not like cabernet, I like merlot. Before, they tasted exactly the same to me. In fact, cabernet makes me dry-heave a little. My workplace has a very lovely smell. Really. It's fresh and clean. I like it. My hair smells like my expensive shampoo, finally. The only real issue I'm still having is that my throat is dry and (not to overshare) is purging itself of a lot of grossness. Everyone I've talked to has advised me that this will stop in a couple of weeks after I've quit. So, great. Nine days of that left, max. I can do it.

P.S. Nicotine gum has helped. I have only chewed five pieces total. It takes the edge off, but it makes my stomach hurt terribly and numbs my mouth. After a few minutes of chewing it, my entire mouth starts to get dry and chalky and then my throat hurts. I hate the stuff. So there.

Oddball Side-effects. Day 3.

Today's lovely list of cigarette-quitting oddball side effects:

1. Tummy ache.

2. Teeth-clenching.

3. Making beat boxing-ish noises at random moments.

4. Eating like I've been starved for weeks.

5. Watching E!'s Married to Rock twice in a 24 hour period.

...and the most entertaining so far...

6. Full-on sneezing over and over again. Not small sneezes, really great, fulfilling sneezes. About one every 30 seconds for the last ten minutes.

Goodnight.

No smoke gum=don't sleep

P.S. This gum makes me not want to sleep. I'm not certain whether this is a placebo or not. I still must maintain that any person who actually chews 9-12 pieces of this per day might, in fact, lose their mind. Be careful, gum chewers.

Day Two.

Okay, so I quit smoking. I've decided to blog about it. In my mind, I've quit for now. Also in my mind: I've quit forever. I decided to blog about it to keep my progress in check.

Today is day two. We've almost reached the 48 hour mark. Today was rough/odd and this is how it went.

Wake up. Get ready for work. Everything is normal so far. It's a Monday and I'm drinking coffee and trying to make it to work on time. For me, on time is 15-30 minutes early. If I'm not that early, I'm late in my mind.

After pulling myself together, get into car (which, if you don't know me, is the first decent car I've owned in my life. Beyond decent. It's a beautiful/perfect vehicle. It's a Ford Escape, so I'm not over-bragging. It's practical and lovely. Yes, I have actually kissed this car. I have also smoked in it.)

Drive. 45+ minutes to a job that I am (seriously) grateful to have. First barrier of the day. I smoke at least one cigarette on my way to work. I managed. Thankfully, I had my friend to talk to me and "distract" me. Something I've learned already, 48 hours into my smoke-free life: there are no distractions. You just figure out how to crave a cigarette and make conversation/hear conversation simultaneously.

Work. Irritation with people who feel entitled. Look at my schedule to view my break. Realize that, at this point, there is no mental release for me during my break. Just, for 15 minutes, I don't have to pretend that some entitled-feeling piece of shit is right. I don't like sweets of any sort, particularly. So what am I going to replace my normal break with? Guess I'll just go out with my friends who do smoke and see how torturous that is... It's not. I survived. As you would assume I would.

Work. Work. Work. I decided to "distract" (remember, distracting doesn't really happen) myself with an old issue of Glamour and my notebook. Time seems to be flying, mostly because I have a headache that forces me to focus on nothing BUT the headache. I realize, during my breaks, that without smoking, my breaks are really long and within my breaks lies a lot of possibility. For today, the possibility just lies with me sitting at my desk, occasionally retreating to the restroom or the vending machine or downstairs to the public computers (where we can check our personal emails and/or other websites that require a personal login.) I call these public computers the H1N1 computers. I'm certain there's no way they can't be disease-ridden.

By the way, before I go any further, I bought some Nicorette gum this weekend. I thought that it might be the perfect thing to chew on when I found myself getting irritable. Mind you, the informational packet included in the box of Nicorette advises that one chew (brace yourself, because I personally found this to be absurd) 9-12 pieces a day. It gets worse. For 12 weeks. Do you realize that my health flex plan would have been eaten alive by this? I still want new contacts/glasses/dental work beyond the yearly exam. I decided to go with the original plan to only chew it when I feel agitated.

The workday concludes. This is the part that I normally think, "Soon, I will be outside and I will be smoking a cigarette on my way to my car." Nope. At this point, I decide to chew my first piece of Nicorette. Because I seriously want to injure the people that I work with. Which is not good, considering I adore the people I work with. No sarcasm. I work with people of whom I thoroughly, honestly enjoy. Gum time.

Drive 45+ minutes home from a job that I am (seriously) grateful to have. Again, I so lucky to have a job that I, for the most part, enjoy showing up for daily. I talk to my mom to "distract" me once again from smoking. I talk to my other friend as a "distraction". It worked again. Even though it was not really a true distraction.

Home. Time to cut my friends hair. My friend who always generously brings beer to drink while I'm cutting his hair. Usually, following the haircut, we sit outside and chat and drink said beer and I smoke. This time, there is a slight modification. I will sit on my counter in my kitchen and move the drawer back and forth with my foot while we chat. I will also move the tab on my beer can back and forth over and over again. I consume more alcohol than I generally do on a Monday night (before 8pm) and lose my train of thought more than once. I blame this on the fact that none of my time is spent worrying about/consuming cigarettes. Friend goes home. Still no cigarettes.

Conclusion: I still have not smoked. Almost 48 hours. If I make it to this weekend, I will buy myself the Armani sunglasses at the consignment shop. It's cheaper than if I would have bought cigarettes this week. (This may sound ridiculous, but this consignment shop is incredible AND legit. Armani sunglasses, here I come.) Also. I keep getting "scared". I'm not sure why I'm scared to not have a cigarette in my hand, but I am until I objectively think about how ridiculous it is to be afraid of not having a cigarette in your hand is.

I've never been awesome with this "blogging" thing. I'm still not sure where the term "blog" came about, so that makes me even more "incredible"..... not. So maybe this is the first AND last blog regarding my out-of-the-blue decision to quit smoking. I just figured it would be a good way to track it... and a good way to express what was really going on during this. This "smoke-free life" sounds amazing when the residual want to smoke (finally) ceases... For now, it's just another "distraction".

Goodnight. Wish me luck tomorrow.