Self-fulfilling prophecies and me.

Alright. It's been just under a year since I've blogged. A lot has changed. One thing that I'm very grateful that has NOT changed: I still don't smoke. November 6th will be my one year mark. So I'm pretty proud of that. There have been two large changes in my life. My final blog that I wrote last year detailed all of the upgrades 2010 brought along. Little did I know what 2011 would bring. I like to think of my "upgrade" blog as the beginning of my self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm the queen of self-fulfilling prophecies. And irony. And while I try to use irony as part of my sense of humor, the kind that I tend to gravitate towards more is the unintended, "you asked for it" kind of irony. Rambling aside, here's what's been going on.

1. I am married now. It is to my "friend" who came over to get his hair cut that I mentioned in the first blog I posted here. We went from long-time friends to betrothed within six months. I'm fairly positive that there are people who believe that this relationship will not last because of how quickly this all happened. I wish I had a witty, below-the-belt response to this, but I don't. I just know that I'm fulfilled in a way that I never could imagine before when I was single and I had never experienced before with any other suitors of the past. Since we moved so quickly, we had the good fortune of being able to skip all the awkward stuff. Since we had been friends for so many years, I was able to remind myself that this person has seen me at my shining moments in life and has also seen me at some of my more pathetic jucntures as well. This definitely didn't push me into striving for nothing more than mediocrity, but it did take a lot of the pressure off to be that laminated, perfect self that everyone puts on for the first few months of a relationship. But, when it all shakes out, I'm glad that I found someone that is easy to be around and so easy to enjoy and I am HAPPY. And I don't feel the constant need to impress people. I could go on and on. I will move onto the next topic for now.

2. The reason for the rapid marriage also stems from the fact that I am pregnant. So yes. Our wedding was a true-blue shotgun wedding at it's finest. Today is my due date and still no baby. I'm exhausted from waiting. The last two weeks has come with some strange emotional stages, which I will outline:

• 36 weeks: At this point, it still has not sunken in that I am going to be a MOM. I feign excitement, anxiety, all of your run-of-the-mill emotions that come along with pregnancy. The only thing I'm really feeling: uncomfortable and craving rum.
• 37 weeks: Starting to sink in. Now I am feigning longing for him to be born. My husband talks to my stomach (like many loving spouses often do) but it's gone from cute, witty comments to, "HEY, BABY. GET OUT!" It's a joke, but there's a very passive-aggressive tone to it. What I'm really feeling: scared. Not for the laboring part. That's over within a day at the most. I'm scared to be a mom. So he can stay in there for a few more days.
• 38 weeks: Fully sunken in. I'm over it. I feign politeness when I talk to people, but I really don't even want to socialize. I can't sleep at night... my ribcage hurts on my left side, my hip hurts on my right side, making it nearly impossible to find a comfy position. Laying on the stomach has been out of the question now for months and laying on the back is, too. I can make it through labor, I will be a good mom. I'm pretty honest with my feelings at this point.
• 39 weeks to present: Every night is exactly the same. I go to bed thinking, "Tonight HAS to be it. I can't make it through another night tossing and turning like this." At 1:30am, I awaken to find nothing is new. I fall back asleep, still clinging to some hope that within the next four hours, something will happen. 5am. Awake for the day. Not in labor, not close. Politeness has gone out the window. I am angry at my body for not being able to control itself and go into labor. I am tired of watching TV and Facebooking. I just want to have a rum and Coke. I just want to fit into normal pants that are panel-less. I don't want to limit my caffiene intake anymore. I want RAW SUSHI. My mother tells me over the phone that I need to just "give it to God." I decide that, considering I'm Christian, I will go down that path. I gave it to God. Today, I sit here waiting for God to put me into labor and trying not to feel helpless. There is an element of defeat to my mood, but it allows me to relax. Sort of.

So I guess the theme (if there is one) of this blog is less about quitting smoking at this point and more about drastic life changes that come at you unexpectedly. Hopefully I will continue to blog more regularly, I have no idea. We will see. Adios for now.